Audacious Freedom Live anywhere. Travel everywhere.

If you know how to drive a car then you can ride a quad bike! All you have to do is put the vehicle into first gear, gently accelerate while releasing the brake and off you go!

My first attempt resulted in a dramatic stall! If at first you don’t succeed try again. Concentrating on making my thumb (the accelerator was controlled by my right thumb) and foot work in unison produced a stylish wheelie and an adrenaline high.

Nigel, our broad shouldered Kiwi guide, watched me as though he has seen it all before. Sitting astride his machine he patiently waited for me to gain control without saying a word. He oozed confidence in my ability to tame this bucking machine and was more concerned with my enjoyment than a perfect pull off.

A quick trip round the uneven paddock gave Nigel time to assess our ability and choose a track that suited our level. Thankfully, I demonstrated professional cornering skills without getting thrown off which was enough to confirm that I would cope with the route to ‘Heaven’ – a lookout point with 360 degree views.

In single file Nigel led us along an old farm track hugging the rugged coast. Once again I had a chance to demonstrate my superb bike handling skills as mud hidden under a Flax leaf ambushed me, sending my bike into a perfect pirouette. I couldn’t help smiling – this was fun!

Wild New Zealand up close

Though our path stayed within the Ororongo Station (one of Wellington’s last working farms) it took us to rugged and remote places with views of river gorges, forests and cliffs. The scenery was spectacular – the deep green forests against the deep blue sea; the white snow mountains against the lively sky. The view was constantly changing as Nigel let us up an ever steeping track till we reached ‘Heaven’ – a lookout point that gave us 360 degree views. It was so stunning we had to stop, switch off the machines and sit in silence. It was hard to know where to look. I wished I could somehow absorb this, fill my eyes with it in such a way that I would never forget. I knew New Zealand was beautiful, but this took my breath away.

After sitting in overawed silence for half an hour, Nigel finally convinced us to move by tangling a ‘special treat’ in front of us. Lunch! All carefully prepared and waiting for us at one of the most beautiful stops.

Perfect day: adrenaline combined with spectacular

Nigel, being the ever perspective guide ensured we had frequent stops so that we could take in the views, ask questions and hear Kiwi legends. As we sat at the end of the trip enjoying a refreshing drink we were able to reflect on what we had done: the twisty forest bits, narrow mountain paths, flying through rivers and letting it all hang out on flat tracks.

I hoped the path would never end; I felt so alive. This was truly Wellington at its best – adrenaline, beauty, history and adventure.

Don’t you just love those calls: ‘Hey meeting for a meal would be great if you could make it’?

Travelling and living as an expat has many benefits – new places, exciting lifestyles, new adventures and experiences, the opportunity to grow, meet new cultures and gain a wider perspective on living. It also has its challenges – stress created by bureaucracy, finding a place to stay, settling in, meeting new people, saying goodbye and dealing with continual change.

And then there is loneliness. Somehow it is always there even in a crowded place. That sense of belonging but not part of, being politely welcomed as acquaintances getting to know each other with guarded boundaries and barriers typical of new friendships.

Settling in a new place

It is not till we move to a new place that we begin to understand the importance of a support network. A network of people that meet for coffee, go to the movies or share a meal together.  A group of people that will share the emotional ups and downs, the frustrations and the excitement of settling into a strange country.

And this is especially important for the ‘trailing spouse’, the self employed or those on extended holidays. Though it is sad to admit, there have been times that I have purposely gone to a shop just to have the checkout person say hello and smile at me. What a lifeline – to have some kind of friendly human contact even if it is just a brief business transaction. I even discovered in New Zealand that often if you are waiting for a bus someone will engage you in conversation – if I was desperate I would go and find a bus stop and wait for a nonexistent bus just to be able to have a conversation with someone.

Dealing with loneliness

When I am settling into a new place I will purposely go out and mix with people for example I will join women’s groups, join courses or adult education classes, and business networks. There are so many groups to choose from and sometimes narrowing down what will be best can sometimes be hard.

Something else I will do is volunteer one day a week – I have volunteered to paint wall murals, develop websites, give water colour lessons to children and co-ordinate activities in senior citizen homes. Volunteering is a great way to meet really interesting people and find something satisfying to do.

It is also important to initiating meeting for coffee or drinks. I have often found that just by joining clubs, groups or classes will not result in building relationships. It takes more than meeting once a week to share in a two hour session to move from acquaintance to friend. We therefore need to be proactive and invite people to join up for a drink or light meal.

Being self employed and working from home can be a lonely experience especially when most of my work is via the Internet. Therefore I will schedule days to work in the library or in a coffee shop – to make sure I get out the house and be where people are.

Building an online friendship network – this I have found really works well especially having friends in different time zones. At least if I can’t sleep at night someone will be awake to talk to me!

If we are going to travel we are going to experience times of loneliness. It is part of the character building experiences of exploring different lands and cultures. More often than not just as a friendship is moving to a deeper level the wander lust kicks in and it is time to hit the open road and start exploring again.

How do you deal with loneliness caused by expat living?

For some of us the choice of moving is a decision we have made because we want to travel and explore the world. However, for many the decision to move was forced on them – some needed to escape, some needed to find a new job, some hoped for a better life. Whatever the reason behind your move to a new country, you will face similar emotional, physical and mental challenges.

It is challenging to leave what is known and be thrust into the unknown. No matter how bad your home country experience is – it is familiar to you, the people, the customs, rubbish collection and where to get food. In your new country, all this is unknown and if you are moving to a country that doesn’t speak your language then it is even more challenging trying to adapt.

Besides the day to day adaptations that immigrants have to make there is also a struggle within immigrants as to identity. In order to adapt and be accepted, do you throw off all your customs and cultures and become a new you? Or do you face rejection and keep your own customs? For some immigrants this struggle to defining themselves can lead to shame at where they come from, guilt at feeling bad about being ashamed and a feeling of incompleteness and disloyality to those they left behind.

Struggle of an Immigrant settling into New Zealand

In order to adapt and adjust a young Chinese couple learnt to speak English and took on western names, ‘Robin’ and ‘Dave’. It was the little things that caught them out such as invitations for dinner and having to use knives and forks. Robin felt like she needed to create a new her. She needed to learn to speak English properly, cook and dress like westerners. Even though they changed their names and took on new customs, they couldn’t disguise their looks or accents. Robin struggled with guilt and shame, she felt like she was constantly pretending to be something she wasn’t.  Then on a trip home to visit the family she was shocked to find out that she didn’t belong in China anymore.

Her trip turned to despair as she realised that what she had been home sick for didn’t exist anymore. She was treated as a foreigner in her home country and she was treated as a foreigner in her new country. In order to live Robin realised she had to create a new world. One in which she wasn’t trying to pretend or ignore any part of her. This started with acknowledging her old life and new life and the fusion of both. This acceptance enabled her to cross the barriers that national identity had imposed and be relaxed in all her worlds.

Not everyone experiences the same emotions

It is important to realise that not everyone experiences the same emotions; that just because it is hard for one family to settle doesn’t mean it will be hard for you. Before moving to New Zealand (NZ) we took an extended holiday giving us a chance to visit family and friends in South Africa. While enjoying dinner with friends, I remember someone remarking that we were making a mistake moving to NZ. Friends of theirs had moved to NZ and within 3 months had moved back because the people were unfriendly and threatening, it was hard to find work, they weren’t accepted and the weather was awful. Not exactly what we wanted to hear two days before leaving for NZ!

Our experience has been completely different. Yes it took us 6 months to settle and adapt. However, I found the people extremely friendly. It was easy to make friends, and within our first month we had been to numerous bbqs, social gatherings and birthday parties.

It is good to be aware  that no matter how exciting moving is – it is a stressful time. And there are challenges that you will face that are unique to immigrants. Which means nothing in life will have prepared you for dealing with these emotions or challenges. Knowing this and being prepared can go a long way to helping you adjust, keep your marriage, relationships and family intact and keep you sane!

The world has become such a small place. It is easy to travel and explore. Moving countries has become easier – as long as you have the right qualifications or work experience. National boundaries are no longer so limiting – this means more and more people are straddling multiple cultures.

This straddling of multiple cultures will inevitably create an identity crisis. When we leave our home for travel abroad, we think in terms of newness, excitement and a different quality of life. We don’t think in terms of belonging or identity. It doesn’t cross our mind until we start settling into the new way of life. In the beginning it is either stressful or exciting – depending on you as a person, your perspective and where you have chosen to move to. As the newness wears off and things start getting that familiar routine that is when identity and belonging come into play.

Identity crisis as part of settling down.

When confronted with a new culture there will be things that contradict our own culture. They have different customs, different expectations, and different ideas on everything from politics to religion. Even moving from one English speaking culture to another will create this conflict. I remember when I moved from South Africa to Scotland, I found myself quite often saying ‘In South Africa we did it like this…’. I am now able to identify first time travellers or foreigner settlers by this same sentence ‘ When I lived …. we did it like this…’. This is the first sign of the adjustment that is taking place in the consciousness of the foreigner. Things are different and the new culture doesn’t do it the same way.

The dilemma

In some things the new culture will do it better or have a more freeing perspective. The choice the foreigner then has is – do I hold onto my own country’s way of doing things or do I take on the new country’s way? In admitting that the new country is better, you are in effect admitting that your own country is worse. When we compare things that aren’t perfect in our home country to what is better in the new country that is the first step in breaking through our identity shell. Up until that point even though we knew our culture wasn’t perfect, we identified with it. But now in the new country we are able to identify with what we perceive as better. We absorb those ways, ideas, perceptions and methods of doing things into our own systems. And now we are a hybrid mixture of two cultures. We now belong to both cultures, but belong to neither. We are not purely one nationality anymore, and can’t fully identify with the nationality we grew up in anymore.

Reverse culture shock

This becomes evident when we go back to our ‘home’ country. Suddenly we are strangers in the land we grew up in. People stare at you when you say words they don’t recognise, ask you why you do something which has become normal to you, they follow the same old routines they have done for the last 10 years and they seem strange to you.

The change in our identity is subtle. It is hard to point to an exact moment it happens. And because we judge ourselves by our own behaviours, we find we start making excuses as to why this change took place. We need to rationalize it and justify it.  Our identities begin to change when we begin to defend a different view and then believe our rationalizations to be an accurate representation of our deepest feelings. And in that instance we go from belonging to one culture to not truly belonging in any. We take on a third culture – a culture that is a mixture of our own and the new country.

Over the last week I have been working on defining my blog topic. As a result my blog has undergone a name change and found a new home. Since my blog is all about my experiences as a foreigner in foreign countries I thought it would be a novel experience for my blog to experience the same emotions!

Moving is always stressful, even if it is covered with excitement. And moving my blog reminded me of just what is involved.

Firstly because my blog now has a new name, it meant having to go and change links, update feedburners, rss and email subscriptions. My blog has had to prove its identity to various catalogues and directories. This exercise reminded me of all the information I have had to collect over the years to prove my where abouts and identity, and then go back to all the necessary places and change addresses, get redirects for post and utility bills, close bank accounts and stop all unnecessary accounts. Proving identity is always frustrating. It sometimes feels like even if you put your own live face in front of the necessary officials they would still require other identification – just in case!

Secondly my blog is now a newbie. Even though it feels wise and old with experience of being around for four years, according to all the directories, search engines and other officials it is new – it has only been at its new address for 1 week. My blog now understands how frustrating it can be – to be seen as a newbie!  It is a stressful time – to have all this wisdom and experience and yet to be treated as a total newbie who knows nothing, being dealt with as a person of unproven character and having certain status and privileges removed (ie might be difficult to get a bank account – ever tried getting utility bills without a bank account? Well you can’t get a bank account without utility bills!)

Thirdly the whole idea of belonging has emerged for my blog. What category does it now fit into, can it still fall under the same category or must it now find a new place to hang out? Belonging is one of the biggest challenges that any foreigner, expat or long term traveller faces. Fitting in and adjusting take time, finding new activities to find friends can take time. This means there can be periods of lonely times – everyone else in your new country and old country are out enjoying themselves and you are at home, alone.

Yes, the phone calls, the emails, the documents, address changes, hosting package changes and the coding changes all reminded me of the moves I have made. Moving starts the day the decision is made and ends months after the last box is unpacked. And because this was the first time I have done a major blog move like this, I didn’t have a system in place to make the transition smooth. I also didn’t know what to expect, what pitfalls to look out for or unexpected situations I would encounter. I am very grateful for my host provider, Serge (from SmartRange.co.nz) who helped me. And this is the aim of my new blog, to help newbies make the transition from one country to the next as smooth as possible.

Life is a learning experience. Sometimes I wish I could stop learning but that doesn’t seem to be possible. Each time I face a different or new situation, I am once more challenged by how much I still need to grow. I heard Jim Rohne say ‘don’t wish the problem away, wish that you had better skills to deal with the problem’.

In my heart my reaction to that statement is: Yeah right! I would rather have no problems! However, what he is saying does make sense. By developing the skills to deal with my emotions in such a way that they enrich my life, my life will be easier, more fun and more enjoyable.

Emotions I deal with as a foreigner:

Being alone –
I think most people enjoy being alone, away from the demands of people, things, events etc around them. We all like that space and time where we can just be or do what we want without feeling guilty. However that is not the same as being alone, feeling alone, feeling like there isn’t anyone else to call on, speak to or share with.

Being a foreigner and traveller I have experienced these feeling quite a lot. You move into a new place, you don’t know anyone and the lady at the checkout counter in the local grocery store becomes your ‘best friend’ – at least you get a smile and hello from her. Once real friendships start being forged that loneliness takes a back seat (for me it doesn’t disappear completely), at least now if something goes wrong there is someone to call and ask for help from. This is important for me, especially when my husband is travelling with work.

I generally put a lot of effort into meeting new people and making friends for this reason, so that when my husband travels I am not a complete stranger in a strange land. At least if my car gets stuck, or the tap starts leaking, or I just need a chat I know there are people I can call.

I also put effort into getting to know at least one neighbour.  Where I live now, I have very good neighbours. As soon as they know I am alone, or that we are going away they watch my house like hawks. I don’t need guard dogs with them! And dinner gets provided too – which is always appreciated.

‘Homesickness’ –
This is a strange emotion. I have been out of South Africa for 15 years and it is not my home. I don’t belong there anymore; I am more of a stranger to their ways than I am here in New Zealand. And of all the countries I have lived in – New Zealand is my home. This is where I want to live, retire and bring up children. I don’t miss the South African culture, food or lifestyle and yet I get ‘homesick’. I think what it is, is the longing for what is familiar and known, for stability, for relationship, for family. I have a very good relationship with my family and I do miss them. I get jealous when I hear that they are having a get together, or on a Friday my sisters, their kids and my cousins are descending on my mom for their weekly get together and cause mayhem.

I find this especially worse when my husband is travelling. I am sitting here on my own and my family are having a catch up. Somehow that doesn’t seem fair. And yet this is the life I have chosen to live. I get to travel to places they never will, I have experienced things that they wish they could.

Belonging –

Where do I belong? When I am in South Africa – I don’t belong anymore. Their lifestyle, culture and accent (in SA I have a British accent, outside SA I have a soft South African accent) are more foreign to me now than living in New Zealand. I lived in the UK for 9 years, and yet that is not my home. It never was. I mostly enjoyed living there, I loved the travel opportunities it gave us, but as a people group I don’t belong. I am a hybrid mix of languages and cultures, of lands travelled to and countries lived in. Where do I belong? Where is home? Who are my fellow countrymen?

Sometimes people come for dinner and ask me to cook a traditional meal. I honestly don’t know what a traditional meal is! I love cooking and so have taken on the flavours, spices and styles of countries I have lived in or travelled to and blended it to create my own style. Moroccan food is as traditional to me as Greek food (got to be my all time favourite type of food!)

Loneliness, homesickness and belonging are three of the bigger emotions that we as foreigners living abroad for extended periods of time deal with at some point or another.  What has helped me the most, is knowing that I am not weird or strange – but that it is normal. It is okay – and the moment it is okay and I don’t fight it, I am able to work through it and grow in my skills of dealing with it!

Creak, crack, creak – the house shook and moved as the 110 km an hour winds battered it. I sat huddled in the lounge on my own pretending hard not to be afraid. The last thing I wanted was to deal with broken windows while my husband was away on one of his trips. When the emotions got too much I phoned a friend. Thank goodness for friends! The next night with the winds being so strong again, I slept at her house.

Alone as a foreigner

Travelling is part of my husband’s job – it is part of what he considers job satisfaction. That means it is a part of my life having to cope with staying alone in a foreign country while he is off somewhere else. I am in New Zealand; my family lives in South Africa and the UK. I am surrounded by wonderful friends most of whom are also foreigners who have settled in this land of the ‘long white cloud’. As foreigners we tend to stick together, give each other support and help each other out. We become ‘family’. However, no matter how close we become, the truth is we are still friends. And though we can visit and do social things together, it is easy to feel like you have overstayed your welcome. It is not the same as the ability to pop over to mom’s house, be part of family get togethers or go out for coffee with my sisters, or take my nephews out.

Dealing with – being left alone

Some people thrive on being alone. I don’t.  The truth is I don’t cope too well. Over the years I have worked on it and found ways of getting through. But I find that the emotional ride can be very difficult. Thankfully I met a friend, here in New Zealand, who is exactly the same so I do get a lot of support from her, and vice versa I give her a lot of support when her husband is away.

To really cope I need to be busy. Very busy!

Here are some of the physical activities I do to get through:

• I make sure I meet up with at least two or three people every week for coffee or dinner.
• I will sleep over once or twice at a friend’s house.
• I will go work (my own business work) in the library, cafes or other public places just to get out the house a bit.
• I make a list of things I really want to do – go to painting classes twice a week, have my hair done, go walking, have a sauna etc
• Plan trips and activities and even on occasion go away by myself.
• Organise phone chats or Skype chats with family
• Join a class of interest ie cooking

Dealing with the emotions is more difficult but this is what I put in place to help:

• A daily text or email from my husband so that I know that he is okay
• At least one phone call or g-talk per week
• Working through a self help course
• Keeping an emotions diary
• Mediating
• Extra meetings with my life coach

The key for me to coping is having a plan and a diary full of engagements. It is good to have things listed that I can look forward to, especially things that I wouldn’t normally do for example cooking certain dishes that he doesn’t eat but I love, or changing my sleep routine to better suit me.

Living in a different country conjures up visions of what life will be like. I grew up dreaming of what it would be like to live somewhere else. I had these visions of how I would be: in America I would be a corporate executive, in England a princess or if I lived on a kibbutz I would be farmer.

Even as an adult I thought that moving would make me a different person. Someone that I would like, respect and want to be with. A person that was happier, more loving, a business person, a better artist, has value and worth. Moving hasn’t changed me; personal self development has. I realised that ‘I’ would take ‘me’ wherever I went. If I didn’t like ‘me’ now, I wouldn’t like ‘me’ in Turkey either. The country wasn’t going to make me a different person. If I wanted to be a different person then I needed to put the right effort in to be what I wanted to be.

Moving does change you to a degree.

Experiencing new cultures can change you – you have to grow or life in your new abode will be a miserable experience. Moving is one of those painful and pleasurable experiences. When you live in a new place you have to be self reliant and be able to support yourself physically as well as emotionally. You will meet different people with different viewpoints. They will do things differently and expect you to do them too. Your perspectives will change as you learn to adapt to the flow of life in your new country.

However, the growth that you do in order to adapt doesn’t necessarily change the underlying core you. If you are a fault finder, a complainer and a nag then you will still be like that. This I learnt the hard way – I was unhappy in Scotland, five years later living in London I was still unhappy. I had changed, grown, learnt to stand on my own feet, mix and mingle with people, make friends. But the underlying me hadn’t changed because I had never put the effort in to develop myself. I thought that others needed to make me happy, needed to be models and give me opportunities.

To get the best out of life where ever you are – develop your inner self

While being exposed to different cultures and beliefs does challenge you, it is what you do with that challenge that will transform you or stagnate you. Attitude plays a very important role in how you experience life. I realised that it was the inner me that needed to change one particularly bad UK winter. My husband was working really late almost every evening. It was cold and miserable outside, I felt cooped up and felt that he needed to spend more time with me. He was tired and also fed up with the weather. We both knew this was a phase of the work cycle that he was going through and it would eventually end. But right at that moment there seemed to be no end and no answer.

Our solution? We started going cycling in the dark every night at 11pm so that we could get out the house, exercise and be together. After a week of wildly riding along cycle paths that we couldn’t see anything on, getting stuck in mud, spraying each other with mud, seeing wildlife and then returning home to a hot shower and hot chocolate, we found that we were actually starting to enjoy ourselves. We looked forward to that moment of dressing up and finding a new path to travel down.

How come the week before we started doing it we were miserable and two weeks later we couldn’t wait to get out the door? We made a choice, a decision and the rest of that winter we actually enjoyed ourselves even though it was still freezing, he still worked late, it still snowed etc.

Though I didn’t start any self development courses right away, that incident started making me aware of how important my choices were. If I chose to see things as a problem then they were a problem. If I chose to see things as a challenge of growth then that is how it would be.

In closing

Moving is not going to make you a star or a guru if you weren’t one where you came from. If you were unhappy during the winter months in your home town, you will be unhappy during winter in your new home. If you spent a lot of time complaining then when you get to your new place you will find a lot more to complain about.

The only thing that will take you from where you are to where you would love to be, is your decision develop yourself. Only then will you really be able to have the life you want and enjoy yourself.

Moving is a personal thing. The ability to pack up home and move to a new ‘home’ is unique to every person and family. Some families would love to move, but they are more in love with the romance of moving than the practical implementation of moving. Some families shudder at even the thought of moving. For me and my husband we positively start shivering with delight at the thought of a new adventure.

Reasons for moving:

Reasons for moving can be varied from personal desire to external pressure. Being clear about why you are moving definitely goes a long way towards helping you deal with the emotional ups and downs that a move creates.

• We want to
• To see a new culture
• To experience another land, see the sites and try new things
• Break the routine of boredom
• Want more adventure
• Being transferred or relocated
• Found new exciting work that will boost the career
• Want better weather
• Want a different lifestyle
• Want a better, more laid back lifestyle
• Want better schooling opportunities for the children
• Want to retire in a better or more suitable place

Why is it important to know why you are moving?

Over the weeks that you prepare for moving you are going come up against different obstacles. Sometimes those obstacles can feel insurmountable – you may get opposition from within your family, or opposition from friends who don’t want you to leave. You may find that getting a visa isn’t as straight forward as you expected or that having to part with some of your treasured possessions is really painful.  It is at times like this, or when you have a list longer than the hours in your day that having a clear purpose, a clear vision of why you are moving, can keep you sane, motivated and stop you from getting disheartened and throwing the towel in.

Another reason to know clearly why you are moving is to help you make sure you are making the right decision. If I had to ask you why you are moving and all you could say was ‘well, I guess because it will be fun’ then you haven’t thought it through.  You don’t want to move just because it seems like a good trend, or because others are doing it, or because you are running away from things or just because it sounds good. Remember when you get to the other side you will settle down, get into a routine and still have to live with ‘you’. Surprisingly ‘you’ will not magically become something different just because you are in a different country or hemisphere.

Being clear about why you are moving gives you the ability to stick through the difficult times and make sure that you are moving for the ‘right’ reason. Being clear about what you want and are expecting from the moving experience also means you will be on the lookout for new opportunities, be specific about where you go, what you want and how you are going to deal with the various obstacles.